seasons

So. I have not updated in forever. I apologize. I really do want to be good about keeping this blog recent, even if it means I’m posting the most boring “news”…that is the point.

And yet…I have not done so.

I have come to just about the end of a truly brutal semester and it would be utterly foolish not to reflect upon such a milestone. I have learned a great deal about the seasons of life, or the seasons of my life at any rate, just within this past year.

Some of those seasons….

A season working 5am shifts at a coffee shop with old women who hated their job.

A season of doubting the authenticity of Jesus, but then discovering him on my own. Becoming a true Christian took the length of a summer, but really the length of my life.

A season working for free in Chicago with Redmoon theatre…waking up to run, drive an hour and a half, and spent six hours with amazing kids, building shadow puppets and directing, all the while drinking obscene amounts of Starbucks coffee, then driving the hour and a half back through rush hour traffic, and collapsing on my bed for at least an hour before dinner.

A season of fighting for a long distance relationship, feeling uncertain of what the future might hold, but hoping for the best….skype coffee dates involved.

A season of auditioning, getting teased with the role of Juliet a second time, but trusting that God would take care and being content with his choice for me.

A season of 4o days alone. Knowing that I loved and trusting that I was loved back, over the span of miles and miles. An ocean of silence. A season of writing daily to the love of my life, only I didn’t know for certain he was the love of my life until he came back to me and we decided it together. A season of love started, and it will last a lifetime.

A season of bulimia-free Christmas (something that has not happened in years). A season of recovery and slip ups, of mistakes and grace. A season of needing to lean on God.

A season of too much. Failure in so many ways and victory in others. A lost job, a beautiful show, a piece of art, a colorful jacket, photos, a stupid alarm clock, a glass or two of wine, and a new friendship.

A season of Rock n’ Roll- I’ll never listen to Syd Barrett the same way ever again.

A season of wedding plans, although that season has just begun.

A season of worry and stress and too too much clutter. A season of breaking free from people I don’t need, and being painfully honest. A season of confrontation, of revealing, of uncovering, of naked, raw, truth. A season of accountability.

A season of becoming a lot more conservative and a lot more controversial at the same time.

A season of getting messy with emotion and struggling with patience more than ever before. A season of striving and falling short, of confusion and determination and guilt and sacrifice.

A season.

In the end, that is what it is. This year has been a collection of stages that I will either go through and pass by, or go through for quite some time, working in and out of them consciously or unconsciously. So many beautiful things have happened. The STEP UP internship, becoming a Christian, getting engaged to Dennis, working on Rock n’ Roll, getting my student teaching placement, becoming better friends with some wonderful girls…

but I think I over did it this year. I took on far too much for me to tackle and I ended up screwing up in a few areas. I sacrificed my health, a job, some people’s feelings, and a lot of sleep for it. I know that it was, as I said, just a season. But I did not really like myself this season. I know we all have our moments where we get frustrated with our actions and dislike what we do or wish we had done it differently, but this was different.

For a long time I have determined my worth in how busy and productive I am. If someone asks me “how are you?” I would respond with “busy”, in almost a proud sort of way. I felt useless unless I was constantly filling up my planner with dates, appointments, classes, rehearsals, projects, work, activities, running, or working out. I had no time to sit and be with God, to get to know myself and my inner life, to breathe in and breathe out and be conscious and grateful for the fact.

This is me being a “Martha” instead of a “Mary”.

The part I am struggling with is this: was it what I needed?

I know that there are seasons of busy and depression and sickness and worry. I know there areseasons of loneliness and stress. I told myself before that I knew it would be difficult, but it was only for a season. I don’t know if it was worth it…I don’t know if it wasn’t worth it. All I know is that I have been stressed, tired, and triggered, with no patience, no time, and not enough joy in the art of breath.

this season is ending.

I am glad of it.

but I do hope that I have learned and will take away a great something from this. I am setting my face like a flint towards love and time this next season.

loving the way I choose to spend my time, and making time to love.

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