Today has been lovely so far. What a change has come over my spirit in the past 24 hours!
Even though I do feel so much weight lifted off of me, I realize that I still have many battles to fight.
I am absolutely terrified of being replaced. I wish I were more like George Harrison in “Hard Day’s Night” when the record dealer tells him “you can be replaced chicky-baby” and he replies “I don’t care”. But the truth is, (chicky-baby), I do care.
I think this is where a lot of my anxiety is stemming from. I see any sign that I am not enough, that I am lacking, that I am not *perfect*, and I immediately start to worry about being replaced by someone better.
But that is not faith.
Recently I have been hit hard with the lie “you are not pretty enough”. I have a few ideas about where this is coming from and why it is all the sudden cropping up, but I also know that this fear is still irrational in the long run.
No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I do not do a good job of remembering that God loves me and that I am precious to him. Once more, so is each and everyone of us. From my room mates to my professors, from Barrack Obama to Laura Bush, from Lady GaGa to that guy who always collects the cans from our dumpster on Mondays. He loves us so much.
Why do I worry about whether or not I am pretty? Or whether or not I am eating well or getting good enough grades? My Father knows what I need. I think if I were more aware of how much He wants to provide for his loved ones, I would not be as worried all the time. I would not feel this continuous need to compete with other people so as not to be replaced.
Today I woke up feeling sleepy. I made coffee and had a relatively issue-free skype date with Dennis (I say relatively because my microphone got screwy and I ended up needing him to type out the last bit of our conversation), and then I got a wonderful message from Mary which made me smile. I am excited to explore our new sister-relationship and develop it further, or I guess develop it in general….
I taught yoga at Noon and it was lovely. I needed to stretch and breathe more than anything. It is wonderful to be almost to the end of this school year. I have one more final and then I can cross this whole messy business off my list.
…reading that back again, I suppose that that is a pretty poor way of looking at an entire semester. I know I posted it in “seasons”, and I am aware of all the good that has come from this year, but for some reason (I think it may be this obsession with my imperfections lately), I am not able to see those gems very clearly.
Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and your Heavenly Father will provide with all that you need.
He knows I need these earthly things, but he knows that I am absolutely beautiful. I do not need to compete for his love and attention. In the same way I will not be replaced in my relationship with Dennis, in my friendship with Liz or Cassidy….I am not perfect, but I need not worry about the repercussions of my humanness.
The worst thing that has happened to me to day is that the sweet potato I made for lunch tasted kind of funny. In that case, how blessed am I?