I know that most of my recent posts have been very prayerful, and probably not as fun to read as my other hair-dying or salad-making escapades, but please take the time to read. I have a feeling that many of us are going through a spiritual adaptation or wrestling with our faith, or simply seeking comfort, and I know that writing in prayer has helped me tremendously.
It has become so clear that right now the most beautiful thing that I have experienced lately has been healing through Christ.
“Your faith has healed you”
I have heard it so many times in the New Testament, but is taken a while to soak in. There is great healing that still I need to accept from Jesus.
I know I have expressed that I have been somewhat of a mess recently, but I realize that this is almost always the case. I am a sinner. A complete and total mess of emotions, desires, temptations, frustrations, and guilt. These things are a part of my humanness. I know I am in this world, and so I experience them, yet I want to badly to be not of this world, but of spirit, of God. God created us to be human; he understands our suffering and our constant failure, and yet he delights in us in a way that no human can ever do.
I have been taking my troubles to man instead of seeking healing through Christ. I have expected too much of myself and of those I care about, to fix me, to fix themselves, to offer the strength that only God can give.
I need to be healed so badly. Lord break me down so that I am completely dependent upon you and your grace. Help me to find where I feel most ache and lacking and allow me to let you fill it with your spirit. Let me boldly give myself to you and allow you to love me like I know no one else can. I have been casting my faith on objects and people and things of this world that do not reflect the love you give me freely. I have put myself into this world when I should store my treasure with you. I need your help; I rely on you; I can only be fulfilled through your grace and spirit. Fill me with the holy spirit Lord, I am yours.
It is interesting that I do this so often. I become insecure in myself and then expect other people to help me by making me feel better. I place my identity in earthly objects so as to feel worthwhile in the context of this world. I become dependent upon the praises of men that I do not even seek to please God. This is so foolish. The bible tells us that wisdom is to fear God. How am I a God-fearing woman when I am not aware of the closeness of heaven? Heaven is what I should be using this life to prepare myself and those around me for. It is not the job of those around me to make me feel happy in this lifetime, it is my job to see that we are seeking the to bring the Kingdom here on earth. This life is transitory. Jesus offers me eternal life and so often I am too preoccupied with this meaningless earth and time to prepare myself for when I will see his face. I am so blessed that He is patient and loving with my foolishness…
How easy it is to be caught in this trap. I want my life to revolve around Jesus, but I can never do that when I am serving two masters and leading a selfish lifestyle. Jesus’s apostles sold all of their land and offered their wealth as a sacrifice for the work of the Lord. They did not worry because they knew the Lord would provide for them, and their only fear was that of God.
I know that I am in the process of healing from old wounds and new wounds alike. We all are in some kind of process towards healing. We all hurt and are hurt and so we all live in an ongoing reconciliation with ourselves, with loved ones, and with Christ. We can never gain healing from men. We can never offer healing without the Holy Spirit working through us.
It is Christ’s healing that I am seeking and praying to be found by others through me. It is Christ whom I live for; He is the cornerstone of my life and I will not reject Him.