Today I woke up feeling like I did not want to leave my bed. Yesterday was somewhat of a blur.
Saturday evening I got really sick all of the sudden. My stomach was an absolute mess. I went on a 6 mile run and had to stop to throw up in the woods three times before getting home. I’m pretty tired and weirded out in those pictures.
But the entire time I kept praying. It makes me pretty grateful for health.
Yesterday was so mixed. I almost cried during the praise and worship at church. Something in the lyrics of the song. I’ll share them with you:
Your Love Never Fails
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
The wind is strong and the water’s deep
But I’m not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But Your love never fails
You make all things work together for my good
I think it was the part “there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning” that did it. That Saturday night I was up with stomach aches and getting sick through the night. I have no clear idea why. I don’t know if it was something I ate, or just another wonderful side effect of being a woman that comes around every month…
Yesterday I had an opportunity to be loving, forgiving, understanding, and patient, but I was not. It took me far to long to become tender when I needed to be. My pride and selfishness got in the way and I became defensive, rude, and demanding. It is so hard for me. I expect so much from myself and so too, from others. I remember the first time somebody pointed this out to me and then the first time I truly heard it and now I am still struggling with it.
I wan to be good. But only God is good.
So yesterday I spent most of the day praying through sewing. I am awful at sewing, but God is blessing me and testing my patience with this wedding dress. I have hemmed it, and sewing up the back in a fashion where I think it may perhaps look presentable… I may end up looking like a 1950’s macaroon, but I do not care. I am altering this dress myself and by hand. I had such a strong conviction to do it yesterday. I think it might be my gift for character: sewing my own wedding dress is making me check my patience, sense of time, commitment, and vanity. I know God will use even this simple act to break me down even more. I did ask him to.
But going to bed last night, my heart was aching. I miss Dennis a lot right now. I don’t know exactly why. We’ve gone for much longer amounts of time without seeing each other–without even talking to each other… but last night I missed him so much. I felt lonely and sad. And so this morning I did not want to get up at all.
I did though. I woke up at 5:35 to teach cycle. I was secretly hoping that my class got cancelled due to a lack of early-rising participants, but when I got there, Sam was already there, and another woman joined in a few minuets before starting. I ended up teaching the class and being overjoyed that I did.
Yes, it was a good workout, but I also played 3 of Dennis’s new songs, and just looking perky and sounding motivating, made me motivated and awake.
Lord, thank you for exercise. Thank you for legs that move, for shoes that hold up after hundreds of miles logged on them, for health, for food, and for my job. Thank you for early mornings and sweat and for hair blowing in my face, and for this break in heat. Thank you most of all that I am created in your image. This fact has been a tremendous help to me whenever I hear Satan’s lies telling me I am bulimic, ugly, fat, or unwanted. I know that you have created me to be beautiful and that each time I look in the mirror, I need not look for imperfections, but simply rejoice that I have been made to reflect your perfect image, and that my human version can be used as a temple to honor you.
Today I am breathing deep and heavy. I am still missing my love something crazy, and praying for his energy, focus, self-worth, and oneness with God. My stomach is still a little queazy, and my knees are still aching, but I am here and I am alive and well. Lord, your love never fails!