Exploring why I write and why I sometimes just don’t

So, it’s been a while.

I must admit, life has gotten a little strange lately, but that’s not the real reason I stopped writing for a period of time. I think it had to do with a lot of things. I’ll go into them.

One was that I was struggling with my faith quite a bit during my job application and interviewing processes. I had been praying non-stop about getting hired and was even quite sure that I would get a specific position at a specific school, but as per usual, God’s timing was different than mine.

Still, I was rather depressed. I slept a lot, didn’t run, didn’t eat much, and was quite miserable to speak with, I’m sure.

I had been offered a position at a middle school, only to learn after 4 sequential interviews with other middle schools that I was not qualified to teach 6-8th grade. I also had made plans with a principal that I met at the Healthy Schools Campaign, but he ended up just not showing, and he didn’t call me back. I couldn’t help feeling a little like a 7th grade girlfriend getting stood up at the movies. Dumb.

In short, I was kind of a mess for a little bit. I felt God was holding out on me and I was having a hard time mustering up the faith to believe that he would still take care of me.

I rescheduled my interview with Harlan Community Academy for the Friday I left for Moline to run the Bix with my family. I drove to the city from Bloomington, only to get a flat tire about a block away from the school.

There I was, pretty skirt and high heels, the only white girl around for at least a few miles, changing a tire on the corner of 95th and 113th.

When I finally got to the interview, it was well worth the trouble. I met the principal, met some of the other staff, and did a bang-up job with answering the prescribed questions that they ask every person who steps foot into any CPS office. After that, we chatted about sports, disciplinary issues, AVID, and new attendance incentives.

It was the best interview I had been on.

I was still feeling rather down throughout the Bix visit and the camping trip in Colorado, although the prospect of a job at Harlan was exciting to me, and I had a new kind of hope.  Could this be the place for me? Was God calling me to the Roseland neighborhood in Chicago?

It was day 3 of the camping trip that I got the call from the principal of Harlan, offering me a position. I felt my heart expand in my chest and my whole body seemed to be tingling with an odd sensation of accomplishment and blessing that I couldn’t speak for a few moments.

Long story short, I took the offer and our family celebrated that night.

…but I still didn’t feel that depression lift much. Instead I was weighed down with the heaviness of responsibility and the reality that I would be teaching a subject that I had no real experience teaching. I suddenly felt unprepared and small. God had given me the job, but was I good enough for it? First I didn’t have faith in God’s timing, and now I didn’t have faith in myself.

This is why I haven’t been writing… well, at least one of the reasons why I haven’t been writing. I felt caught up in my own head and worries that I didn’t see the use in rattling on about other things on a blog. I also needed some time to work things out in my head and get ready for some big changes.

A second reason that I didn’t write was because I felt that my posts were pissing people off rather than lifting them up. Along with positive feedback, I have received a few more negative comments about my blog subject matter, and, while I want to make clear that I welcome such comments and encourage people to call me out on whatever it is they wish to bring to my attention, I don’t think I was emotionally stable enough to see them clearly for a little while.

Lately, it seems social media is exploding with tolerance, acceptance, and civil rights issues. There has been a huge push to fight judgment from others due to some of the political and social “hot-buttons” in the news as of late. Many Christian writers have spoken about homosexuality and many liberals have written about gay rights and Christian’s unjust ideology. I have recently hit on a few sensitive topics myself with my last few posts, and I recognize that there is much to be said about all issues from all sides.

Before I posted again, I wanted to re-examine what I truly believe the purpose of the blog is for. 

I know clearly that Jesus said not to judge and never to try to take the speck of sawdust out of your brother’s eye, when you yourself have a plank in your own.

My gray area comes when I am trying to determine the right course of action or what I believe, or even attempting to guide others in areas I feel convicted to. For example, if I search my heart and read my bible and then see that, as the bible states, I must have no hint of sexual immorality, then I will choose not to read certain books, watch certain movies, or wear certain clothing. Since I have decided not to read or view certain things before having experienced them, some would say this is me being judgmental of such things. 

I believe that I have the right to pick and choose what I want to subject myself to, but I will agree that none of us here on Earth should be allowed to condemn others for such actions. I cannot look down on those who choose to dress a certain way or choose to read certain books, and this blog is not a place to begin to judge people.

Paul explains very clearly, the steps to follow when a fellow Christian is living in sin or has sinned against you and none of those steps involve posting a long essay for all the world to see.

That being stated, there is nothing wrong with me finding out what my own sins are and also what causes me to sin. It is even okay that I write about it on this blog, however, I do see the error in “preaching” on a blog about why other people need to obtain from certain things or about what others are doing “wrong”.

This blog is not a personal diary, but it is also not a pulpit to preach from.

It is more of an exploration on what it means to be a follower of Christ when it is inevitable that all will fall short of the glory of God. 

With my blog’s purpose reinforced and my new job underway, I feel a lot better about coming back to the blogging world, after almost a month-long hiatus.

Thank you to my readers, however few or many of you there are, for reading, commenting, and making me examine my thoughts and my heart. 

And thank you most of all to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for making me wait for his blessings so that the testing of my faith produces endurance and strength. I am the woman I am today because of you and I pray that I continue to grow in the direction you lead me in.

I am not lost. I am here. Here with you.

One thought on “Exploring why I write and why I sometimes just don’t

  1. Proud of you Claire! Love seeing how God is working through His people. Remember you may be the only Jesus your students see. Stay strong and know that God placed you where you are for His glory! Our lives are not our own. Keep writing. I think I will enjoy reading! Luv Ya! Deb

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