Vomiting Up

Okay, let’s get straight to the nitty-gritty, nasty truth:

I’ve been a struggling bulimic for 6 years.

Vomit has been something that I’ve grown accustomed to during my long bouts with this awful disorder, and I realized something today. My own vomiting is causing me to be vomited.

So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of my mouth.”Revelation 3:16

Lately, I have not felt like the “hot,” “on-fire,” or at the very least “smoldering” follower of Christ that I know I need to be. However, I have not truly felt the fear of being the very unattractive and undesirable lukewarm one whom God was so quick to rid Himself of. And while I have been keenly aware that bulimia has been robbing me of my relationship with Christ, I never really made this connection:

Each time I vomit, God does as well. What is He vomiting up? Me. 

In all honesty, these words have shaken me from a long naive coma in which I was feeling more passionate about work and what food I could get rid of instead of how close I could get to my God. I know I have been turning lukewarm. Each time I place my own insecurities and the old, foolish, deadly disorder I have before God, I am turning even more distasteful and tepid.

My wonderful husband put it in a metaphor which was far less graphic:

If you are a Chemistry major, or in a Masters program, or working on lead role in Hamlet, you can’t just spend two hours a week with your lab work or dissertation or script. You would probably spend extensive hours everyday focusing on and studying your subject of choice in order to become an expert. It would be your priority, not something you do just once a week.If we aren’t totally focused, if we are putting anything else above our goal, we’ll fail the test or drop out or get stage fright.

If we want to follow Christ and be holy, we should be the same way about Jesus: we should study him daily and think about him constantly, not just one a week on Sundays. We can’t be lukewarm about our faith and just spend our spare time on Him. He wants our entire focus, as if He were as important as a Chemistry exam, or a Masters Degree, or a staring stage role. (Because honestly, here’s a little secret, He is even MORE important than ANY of those things!)

If we aren’t totally sold our for Christ…. we’ll get vomited up.

To be honest, I don’t like reading about vomit, especially in the Bible. It stings a deep, fragile, and sore place in my heart.

God could have used a host of other words in that verse or even a host of other metaphors, but He didn’t. He chose to use a graphic, descriptive, violent, forceful metaphor.

Just like deep down, I don’t really want to vomit up any of the food I eat, I also really, really don’t want to be ejected, spewed, or vomited from His presence. I want to abide in Him. I do not want to grieve Him or give Him anything but all my focus, all my love, and all my life.

He deserves nothing less and, right now, as I struggle with my own terrible vomiting-up, I deserve nothing less than being vomited from His mouth.

Luckily, no–miraculously, our God is one who loves us. And because of Christ, we do not receive what we deserve, but rather we are forgiven…

Are you or have you ever struggled with lukewarmness? What are you putting before Christ that you need to give up?

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2 thoughts on “Vomiting Up

  1. As someone else who is has been living with/trying to recover from an eating disorder for over a year and a half, I want to give you major kudos for being brave enough to not only openly discuss this, but to use it as a metaphor for your spiritual life. You’re a beautiful lady, inside and out and you’re strong enough to both beat your disorder and forgive yourself for your faults, just like God already has. Sending all kinds of love and healing thoughts your way!

    • Thank you Jessie. I will be praying for you about your own struggles. It will be a tough battle, but I know God will get you through it. You are a beautiful lady yourself, and I have no doubt that you’ll beat your disorder as well! I appreciate your love and healing thoughts so very much!

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