We sat in the stranger-Pastor’s office. Me feeling like a giant cloud was hanging over us both, ready to be burst open at any moment, raining down all the blame, and him feeling… well I didn’t know for sure. But I was almost certain that his head was full of all the ways I was screwing up, was a crazy wife, and with reasons to leave me. I knew they were all there, just bubbling at the surface, waiting for the time to just explode and leave me with the aftermath to wade in until I could find some kind of self-pity pool to sit down in and cry about it.
Our first marriage counseling session seemed to be the best place for all of this to come out into the open.
…but to my surprise, no such downpour occurred.
It turns out that marriage counseling is not a place they make you go to before your relationship falls apart.
It turns out, I have a very loving husband who wants to not just be “okay”, like I keep asking him if we are, but more than just “okay”… He wants us to be thriving.
This, I recognize, is far beyond my own understanding. How can I trust that a mere mortal will love me and cherish me until I die when I know myself to be so unlovable and sinful? How can He or I know what will happen in the path ahead? What if something happens and he just can’t do it anymore? What if I’m just too much? What if even God can’t do anything with me? Where’s the guarantee?
It is times like these when my sinful, yes, sinful insecurities rise up from the deepest, darkest places of my doubtful heart and I start to want to control the situation–whatever the situation might be. I am looking for ways that I (me myself) can get a grip on my life, and I forget to trust the God who controls all, knows all, sees all, and has the master plan.
I believe that God created the Bible, through the hands of others, to be the manual for our lives. He had us as individuals in mind when He wrote it. I know He knew me and knew my struggles, sins, hurts, loves, and desires when He wrote this:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heat and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
This is my Life Verse.
In this verse, the Lord admonishes me to trust Him, something I have struggled to do all my life. He tells me that He never advises me to trust myself, men, institutions, medicine, formulas, or experiences; He advises me to trust Him. His desire is for me to lean on and into Him, not to rely on myself. For, as I well know, when I rely on my own knowledge, I am confused, anxious, and insecure of the future.
Instead of looking for ways to control the situation or searching for my place in society or people’s lives, God urges me to acknowledge His existence in the world. He implores me to acknowledge His hand on my life and the lives of others. If I keep my eyes on God, He promises that He will make my path straight, regardless of if I know where it leads or what is on the way.
The Lord God wrote the Bible with each of us in mind. He knew what verses we were going to read at what time and He placed them there to guide us, encourage us, and be a light to our lives.
This verse is my verse. It will be a light to my darkness when sinful anxiety and fear threaten to crowd out my joy.
What is your life verse? How does this verse encourage and uplift you? How is God speaking to you personally through His word?