In the Garden.

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God blessed them, and God said to them… “See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. God saw everything he had made, and indeed, it was very good…The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it… Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make him a helper as his partner”…  The rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh or my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

                                                                                                      –Excerpts from Genesis

Dennis and I have planted a garden outside of our home. It seems rather providential timing that we also began to read Genesis together in this new, fresh time of our lives. Genesis is the beginning story, where everything is set up and created. The creation story, as it were. I am finding simple lessons here as well as discovering the same old truths we all knew in our brains since sunday school, but knowing and hearing them be spoken in God’s own words which are written on our hearts is an entirely new experience. Perhaps I’m just feeling new about everything, but like our garden outside, I am very aware of the growth required in this transition period of time in my life. And it’s a wonderful reminder of where that strength and ability to stretch comes from, as we water seeds and read about the first humans before us.

First of all, I just want to point out that Adam and Eve were commanded by God to be Vegetarians in the Garden of Eden. (Shameless plug for veggie-eaters like myself and promoting such eating habits :-)They ate the plants of the ground and the fruit from (most of) the trees. Later God does allow people to eat animals, but it happens outside of the perfect world of the Garden when almost everything is peaceful and perfect.

However… there is that snake. God is all-powerful; nothing happens outside of his power and will, and yet he allows the snake to exist in Eden, the snake who tempts the woman and man into the first sin of the world. How and why could he allow this. It is this fact that makes me wonder if The Fall was necessary. If we were truly meant to leave Eden, and leave the perfect life of the Garden.

Perhaps our fall was tragic, but God meant it to be so, just the way he meant his Son’s death to be painful and tragic as well. In this case, Adam and Eve graduated from the Garden and into the rest of the world. But I’ll get to that in a moment.

Another thing I noticed: God puts man in the Garden to till it and keep it; he gives us work. Here and not God also gives us work. We are all meant for what God has in mind, but many make the mistake that it is one thing. I know that God called me to be an actor when I was 16 years old, and the I know he called me to drop it entirely in order to teach when I was 21. Now, who knows? God may call me to become a crossfit trainer or a mural painter. His calling changes, and we never know what we are made to do until we begin to do it, by the work of God’s hands.

In Eden, work was enjoyable. Man and Woman had dominion over all creation and were required to take care of it and keep it. This was work. After The Fall, work became less fun and enjoyable and rewarding, which leads us to now. Now, all anyone does is work, and it’s not always enjoyable. God doesn’t call us to live in perfect peace anymore. Just look at Jesus’ life. Jesus was completely perfect, and yet, people hated him and killed him. We are called to die in such a way as well. To die to ourselves.

Another thing I have noticed. Woman was created from Man. Woman was designed from the beginning to be the Man’s helper. Now, this may sound demeaning of women in some ways, to say that a woman is only meant to help a man. But help is a huge thing. The bible talks about help in a lot of different ways, but mainly in regards to God being a helper, the Holy Spirit being a helper, and as the Woman being a helper. Yet, the way I see it, if God is a helper and the Holy Spirit is a helper, then it must be a pretty big deal to be a helper to men. And men need help. That is why a husband clings to his wife when he leaves his mother and father. He needs her, in a similar way he needs God. God designed it to be this way and so it is very good.

During our first year of marriage, I have slowly become aware of the innate differences between men and women; how they think, act, organize, process, fell, and express ideas or emotions. I have also seen how this directly connects to The Fall.

To the women he said, “I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” And to the man he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten of the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it’, cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread until you return to the ground, for out of the ground you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

The man is meant to lead, but women always resist the vitally important roles as helpers and try to take control by manipulating just the way Eve did when she gave the fruit to her husband. Men are meant to lead, but they often shy away from this responsibility the way Adam did when he went along with his wife’s sin. We are cursed with these same tendencies today. Women often want to feel powerful and in control, and often this leads them to sin. Men often want to be irresponsible and childish and this often leads them to sin. We are living today with the same tendencies as the very first humans had, and it was their punishment that now we face. Women will desire after her husband, and also after his role. Women are often needy in this way and appear to be clingy and emotional beings because of this. Men are called for more work, in which they sweat and are not rewarded highly for their pain and toil.

How incredible to see where it all began. To see not only my likeness to Eve, but also to God. In Genesis, God shows all sides of himself. The vengeful wrath of God as well as the merciful, regretting, and covenant-building God. He has both qualities of man and women in him, which is why, I find, that Marriage is so beautiful.

The two shall become one flesh. Marriage is meant to be holy, I am finding. It was designed to make us more like God and encompass all of his beautiful perfect qualities, both masculine and feminine. The bible said that we were created in God’s image, both male and female, and so God (even though we call him a “He”), is also feminine in who He is. The only thing that got in the way of Adam and Eve being the perfect humans was sin, and this is true today. Sin is the only thing that drives two people away from one another. Sin is the separator.

…..

I have been deeply convicted as of late. I have not been guarding my thoughts, and so my words have become poison rather than words that encourage or build up. I noticed it when I began writing letters to my students. The Holy Spirit was working as my incredible partner to help me see each of my students in the best way possible– the way God sees them and loves them dearly. This practice was incredible. I felt like a gardener, watering each child’s heart and confidence and mind. Where even the driest, hardest, and mealiest soil laid, I could grow a plant to bear beautiful fruit, so long as I looked at each of them through the lens of Christ. Christ died for people who hated him, but he did it because he loved them dearly. Although I was not dying for my students, I know that some of them weren’t exactly fond of me, nor had they been nice, polite, or even civil to me. It would be so easy to lash out at them or even ignore them, but God gave me the patience and positivity I needed to write them words of encouragement and love.

I realized yesterday that I need to apply this same practice to my marriage and friendships. Relationships need caring and love. They need to be fed and watered and cared for just like plants in a garden do. God called us to do it with plants and animals so long ago and now he calls us to do it with our partnerships, friendships, marriages, children, families, and any relationships at all. Nine months ago I made a vow to my very best friend to see all his failings as examples of God’s incredible grace, to love him actively as I actively peruse Christ, and to strive to see him in the way God sees him, as a beautiful image of his Son. Nine months later, I have fallen so many times, in the same way Eve and Adam fell so long ago.

But I have newly inspired hope.

I know God has moved people tremendously through my hands already. Not by my own doing, but by his. I know that he can continue to do so in each relationship I have here on this Earth. In doing so, He is tending to his own Garden and making it grow in his Son and in his Truth.

I am so blessed to be a gardener on this side and anticipate when I can also do even more rewarding work in heaven.

I am:

newly inspired and driven towards God and his garden.

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Well, I’m back…

Well, I’m back to the blogging world. After taking a long break (that I truly did not intend to be so long), I am back to writing to you all again (although I doubt this number is as high as it once was, as I’ve been dormant for some time) but anywho, here I am again.

I shall spare you a general update, as those are never any fun, and just simply dive into it.

Today was the PDS end of the year dinner. I did not expect it to be as…. sad as it was. I thought we would all just eat and hang out and then go home and do our KUDs and everyone would kind of move on. I guess I’m not usually a sentimental one at these kinds of things… But today I found myself feeling a little sad. I had this odd sensation similar to that of a little kid at the end of Christmas: happy and satisfied, but oddly disappointed that holidays end so suddenly. Not that student teaching has been a holiday, mind you. But I found myself speeding down 74 thinking: “I’m lonely.”

And it’s not because my husband is gone for the week or that I miss my family back in the burbs or because I didn’t connect with anyone at the dinner. I couldn’t really place it.

Then it hit me.

I have not been present this year. I have not truly enjoyed the time I have in the moment, or been focused on breathing through the struggles. I have been always looking forward and ahead, planning in advance for things that I truly have no control over in an attempt to falsely feel as if I do have control (typical Claire move right there). I know it has been hard: applying for future jobs and getting ready to graduate while still student teaching and directing the play. My focus has been utterly split there past few months. But it has caused me to really miss out on living this out.

I realize that I am a total hypocrite.

See, I teach yoga right? And I guide my participants into mindful meditation where I tell them the importance for breathing and letting go of all stress and thoughts to simply be in the present moment and appreciate our bodies and minds and hearts. I get people who come up to me and tell me that I’m so healthy and I’m a role model of what an active, fit young person should be.

And yet….

I am still struggling daily with bulimia and anorexia. I am not taking my own advice and “breathing through each moment”. I get stressed and take out my anger on my husband or my students or my health. I go on exercise binges that are not healthy and I have wasted so much time worrying and not enough time actually LIVING.

It would be really easy right now for me to go off on myself. What would my students say? That I’m treatin myself? Yeah, it would be easy to treat me (and not as in a brownie or cookie kind of treat). But I’m not about to do that.

So basically, I asked Dennis to pray for me today because I’ve been freaking out about jobs and money and the future. I’ve not been trusting God with my entire life like I know He has called me to do. Today I was calm and quiet and prayerful, praying for God to help me let go of my need to control and simply give my future over to his hands.

Today I found out I didn’t get the job in Marengo.

Today I scheduled an interview with Mr. Elliott at Peoria.

Today I drove down 74 feeling lonely and thinking about all of this and how much time I’ve wasted being stressed and upset when really, I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people who can be incredibly inspiring if I choose to see it.

I was a mess with directing because I couldn’t see that 11 out of 13 kids in the cast were sweethearts.

I was a mess with teaching because I couldn’t see that this was my time to experiment and be flexible and IMperfect.

I was a mess with my temper because I couldn’t let anything roll off of me or take criticism with a grain of salt.

I was a mess this semester because I didn’t give God the time He needed to chill me out.

So I’m speeding down 74 feeling lonely, after being around some incredible and inspiring people, going home to an empty apartment and needing to finish KUDs and take a bath, and I’m wondering: “What the heck am I lonely for?”

I thought about calling someone. Mom? Dennis? Liz? Aunt Suz? But what do I have to talk about? What would I say? “Hey, I’m lonely and I don’t know why, but I think I might be speeding in a construction zone while talking on the cell phone, so actually, I have to hang up.” ?? … I didn’t want to call anyone, and I had just spoken with a bunch of people for two hours.

What the heck am I lonely for?

The answer is Christ.

So I guess that’s the moral of my story. Christ is the answer and He is always the answer, but I have been looking in all the wrong places for Him and it’s time to change things again.

So I’m back. Back with a new plan…. and yet it’s not my plan.

It’s God’s.

Namaste Yo!

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